One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do (Three Dog Night, 1969). The words ring true when you move abroad. It is all fine and dandy when pumped up on adrenaline, in the midst of action or an adventure, or when you have a traveling companion with you 24/7 (although that can get old – “I didn’t know you snored so loud”). But when you have moved abroad, for someone’s job or following someone’s plan, you can find yourself facing “the number one”. Who are your friends? Where do you go to talk, to unload, or to just relax with a familiar face? These are difficult questions – that you will need to answer; especially if you want to survive, or more importantly, to truly enjoy your experience in your new home. Quick note – the pictures throughout this post are the closest to friends I have made, and they are all great folks – who forgive my awful attempts to speak Italian.
Friends come in all shapes, sizes, and meet different needs at different times. Sometimes that “Ciao” when you walk into your local restaurant suffices. At other times, it is the short discussion about world events (Russia invaded Ukraine only a few months after we arrived in Italy, and Europe was all ablaze) when you show up at your spouse’s (or partner’s) work. And at times it can even be the server you have seen several times as you struggled through trying to order or make reservations who tells you they don’t speak English (and then seats you or brings what you wanted anyways.) These people make you feel some sort of normalcy, some sort of belonging. They provide that friendly face, and act. However, these quick smiles and words aren’t like Sam, Cliffy, and Carla greeting Norm in Cheers, where the hello is from the point of a friend, not just friendliness.
As a Later Gap Traveler, accompanying my wife who took the job that allows us this opportunity, I sometimes find myself with lots of time on my hands. Complaining about it is a bad idea – most of this was my idea and there isn’t much sympathy for my plight (deservedly). Sitting and writing is fine, but it gets old. While my spouse, who is at work all day, spends time with others, not necessarily cultivating deep friendships but talking and sharing, for me (the one at home) that option isn’t there.
Blogs about traveling and or being an expat in another country, focused on enjoying a different culture, which most likely speaks a very different language, typically don’t discuss this. Videos of adventures abroad focus on the places you should visit, the sights you should see, and the wondrous experiences you must enjoy – but they leave out what happens when the adventure is over and daily life sets in. Sure, you can hang out with the other people in the office – but that is probably not why you took a flyer and jumped out of your comfort zone. Plus, sometimes the office is pretty small and there isn’t a deep enough pool to provide the myriad of friends that most of us have across our normal lives.
Also, picking up the phone might be fine, for a bit, but there is a time zone and lifestyle difference. Those who are back in the good old USA are typically continuing on with their own lives. And those others don’t necessarily need to talk to you every day – no matter how awesome, clever, brilliant, or witty you might think you are (I am all of the above, if you ask me.) Maybe a few will visit you on your Later Gap Adventure – but then they go back home. Living abroad, you might find yourself wondering – “Where do I go to chat?”, “Who can I get together with (call) to laugh (or cry)?” “How do I get past One is the Loneliest Number?” Unless you managed to plop yourself in the middle of a large and diverse expat community, are fluent in the new tongue, or are extremely outgoing and counts everyone your friend, these questions will surface. And unlike short books or videos from all manner of lifestyle coaches, I cannot truly answer how or where you will find your friend(s).
One place I figured to find friends was on the golf course – which was after all one of the primary reasons we were thinking this would be a grand adventure. However, with the reality of our situation, we are NOT at a beach and golf resort – see Making the Move – Step 4, I find myself still searching.
There are a few standard places to find friends. One is the neighborhood where you live. We live in an agriturismo, although beautiful, it isn’t really crowded with people and options. The apartments rent out on weekly or weekend bases. There are workers who live in the area, but they are typically working, while I hang out at the house or poke around the area during the day, and they like to be home or with their families once the workday is through. They also all speak Italian, which I am still struggling mightily with. Although they are all very friendly, they wouldn’t be friends. When we moved in, we thought the landlords might work – they are a couple, about our age, with a nice sense of humor, limited English (to match our limited Italian), and who helped us settle into the area. However, they are busy with their lives and family, which leaves us still trying to break in further than just through the ice.
Another area to meet people is through family – your kids’ school (and friends) or your spouse’s (partner’s) work. We are on this adventure, as Later Gap travelers because our kids are out of school – that option is out. And as I mentioned earlier, my wife doesn’t have a big office, and most of those people have either married Italians or have moved here with little to no intention of going back – they have gone native. We enjoy getting together and doing things with them, but there wouldn’t be any that I would consider “friends”.
One other place to meet people is local institutions. These can be in the form of the church, local clubs or volunteer organizations, the gym, or possibly even the local bar (as in Cheers – ours isn’t quite the same). When you are in a foreign land, with different languages, customs, and cultures, local organizations and the church can be difficult to truly get involved in or into. As a Later Gap traveler, who has decided to stay for quite a while, but not the long haul, you can find yourself involved on the periphery, but unable to truly connect with the other members. The gym angle is much more of an American thing. Italians are active; they bike and walk quite extensively. But they don’t go hang out heaving barbells or bending themselves into pretzels on mats. Quick side note, even if it might not be considered the healthiest diet or lifestyle, they have quite a long life expectancy – maybe there is something to less stress and not getting hung up on trying to close all three rings on a fitness tracker. In this discussion, that leaves the bar – and hanging out there, drinking coffee all morning and beer or wine in the afternoon, until I can speak reasonable Italian and maybe meet someone is probably a real bad idea.
That leads me back to needing to meet and make some friends. I have not found where or how that is going to happen on this journey. I cannot offer any quick pearls of wisdom or any silver bullets that will shed light on how to do this when you step out on this type of adventure. While the part of your partnership that is working might have some companionship in the office, the side that minds the store may not have that option. To stay sane, and to help yourself develop and enjoy the living abroad experience to the fullest, you will need to find how and where you can meet others to share stories, lives, and an occasional bottle of wine or two. And as I continue to look – arrivederci, until next time.